I left home believing that distance would lead me somewhere better.
I believed that sacrifice would turn into joy.
I believed that if I endured long enough, life would eventually open its doors.
Instead, I found myself waiting.
Waiting for papers.
Waiting for permission.
Waiting for a life that felt like it was supposed to begin later.
Each day passes quietly, but the cost is loud.
I grow older while my life remains unfinished.
I watch others build homes inside moments I am not allowed to touch.
Shared meals. Shared laughter. Families forming inside certainty.
The spark I once carried did not disappear all at once.
It faded slowly, through postponed plans and unanswered timelines.
Through the weight of being present everywhere except where I feel whole.
Sometimes I regret leaving.
Not because ambition is wrong, but because I did not know how much it would ask of me.
I thought leaving my home would expand my world.
I did not expect it to fracture my life into pieces that never meet.
Now I stand at a crossroads that offers no perfect answer.
Going back feels like healing, yet I fear it will not restore everything I lost.
Staying feels like loyalty to a dream, but that dream has started to feel hollow.
Starting again in another place sounds brave when spoken aloud.
In truth, it feels exhausting.
Another system. Another debt. Another promise that belonging will come later.
I do not want to spend my life chasing permission to exist.
I do not want my story to become one of endless endurance with no arrival.
And yet, I am afraid.
Afraid that choosing peace means abandoning purpose.
Afraid that letting go means admitting failure.
Afraid that the years I gave will be remembered only as time lost.
This uncertainty has made gratitude harder.
Not because I lack blessings, but because pain has a way of drowning them out.
I am not ungrateful. I am tired.
I write this not to seek answers, but to tell the truth.
That sometimes the pursuit of a better life takes more than it gives.
That ambition without belonging can feel empty.
That dreams should not require us to disappear from our own lives.
I do not know where I will land.
But I know this.
A future that drains life out of you is too expensive.